A Sapphic Teen
If only you could see what I’ve seen with my eyes
Being gay isn’t simple. It’s tougher when you’re in India and your mother keeps daydreaming about your marriage (with someone of the opposite sex obviously) every other week. I think I have created history by rolling my eyes the most number of times at the thought of marriage. Don’t judge me, but marriage is the most archaic and heteronormative institution in the history of the human race.
Being gay isn’t simple. It’s tougher when you’re in the closet and not a soul has even the slightest inkling of your sexuality. I would lay in my bed for an hour (a long time to an eight-year-old) and imagine myself being intimate with a woman. I would usually pull scenarios from movies I watched, and since there was hardly any LGBTQ+ content in the 2000s, I had to imagine myself as the guy in the scenarios. Karan Johar deserves some credit for presenting and portraying the theme of gayness, although not so in a nuanced manner, in his movies.
“Is it really that great, or are we just supposed to pretend it is?”
I had no interest in guys beyond finding them cute. Anyone can see and tell if a flower looks beautiful, innit? I thought that’s all a crush was at the time; finding someone physically attractive. But I never fantasized about holding their hand, dating them, kissing them, or getting emotionally close with them. Although, I did imagine all those things with a girl (and I enjoyed it). In fact, I was always amazed when other girls told me how excited they were to kiss a guy, wondering to myself, “is it really that great, or are we just supposed to pretend it is?” That’s what I had done in my past; pretending to be someone I’m not; pretending to have male crushes just because my other female friends had one. Several boys had asked me out to be their girlfriend. And I said yes to one of them. That was exactly the time when my self-discovery process was at its peak. That was the time when I finally accepted the fact that I am a lesbian. I never held his hand, but he held mine, and it felt so pathetic because I was doing something, I didn’t want to do, with someone, with whom I didn’t want to be. The moment I had decided to date him, I thought I was doing the right thing. But it never felt like the right thing.
There was a girl I was fond of a lot. I couldn’t figure it out then that she was my crush. I thought we were just really good friends and had a great chemistry (like between Kristen Stewart and Naomi Scott in Charlie’s Angels), that’s all. I think she was my first love. Now it’s strange that I am acknowledging this thought three years after falling out of that love.
I had taken so many quizzes and online tests to find out about my sexuality. And guess what? The internet knew before me, that I was gay.
It’s clear to me now that I have always been a lesbian, and that the men I convinced myself — and others — that I had a crush on, were not based on genuine feelings, but on outside expectations.
For ideas and queries, mail me at halfblood363@gmail.com…
